I have chronic pain. I have had it for over 12 years now.
Quite often the pain leaves me bedridden for most of the day. I only really get up to go to the bathroom; but for the rest of the day I am stuck to my bed. Today was one of those days.
I was really dreading this day since I have my last and most difficult final exam is two days. I was praying that I wouldn’t be struck by pain to the point of a bedridden state on the day of my exam, as that is what happened last year. I remember waiting anxiously outside the examination room praying and praying whilst lying curled up into a ball on the sofa.
But today, I spent the entire day lying down, curled up into a ball, sometimes with tears streaming down my face because the pain is unbearable and relentless. I try to fight the pain, but I know it’s futile. I become overwhelmed with stress because I remember that there is so much to study, but I can barely keep my eyes open without experiencing a migraine, and the stress only makes the pain worse. I am forced to relax my mind and body and to trust in God. Thank you M for being with me and praying for me.
Even as I am typing this, I am in considerable pain, but I must distract my brain from focussing on the pain. I am tempted to complain, but I am reminded that God is sovereign. My inability to do anything highlights my weakness and fragility and reminds me to put my situation into perspective of eternity. My momentary pain or suffering (although it feels like forever in this moment) is fleeting. Perhaps what I needed most today wasn’t to cram my brain with more study, but perhaps it was to rest. God reminded me that my body is weak, and without rest, I would not be able to function optimally, both physically and mentally – which is what I need most in my last exam, which requires me to problem solve on the spot and to give an oral response to questions I am asked, straight away. It is extremely daunting as I struggle greatly to communicate eloquently and to express myself well.
But I refuse to give in to my worries.
I will continue to entrust all of these anxieties into His hands.