3 down, 2 to go

It has been an almost unbearably long week. I had three final exams this week each worth 40% of my final grades. As the days go on, I become more weary and less motivated to study. My energy levels are low as I get less and less sleep. Not because I’m up studying, but because my mind just cannot rest. I only slept 3 hours last night, but strangely enough I don’t feel tired…but my body is twisting and groaning in pain as it continues to bear the burden of sleep deprivation and a bunch of chronic illnesses.

Despite all of this, a verse that I memorised (from before I even declared myself a Christian) echoes in my head to the tune of ‘Bad Romance’ by Lady Gaga (the work of my youth group leader at the time):

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life…

Philippians 2:14-16

I lie in bed now reflecting on my actions these past few weeks (and years) and bring to mind various incidents every day of when I was short, snappy and impatient with my family members. I remember blaming it on lack of sleep, or hormones or stress but I can’t shake the remorse that I feel every time it happens. I know that I have hurt them time and time again with my harshness but the worst of it all is that I blame everything but my own ungratefulness, lack of self-control, impatience, arrogance, etc.

And you know what? My family who love me the most, take all of this trash from me every single day without complaining. They give me grace that I don’t deserve. It reminds me and points me back to God’s grace, kindness and unconditional love. I don’t appreciate my family as much as I could, and even more so, I don’t appreciate God as much as I should and could.

Having even just a moment to reflect is so important in helping me to put things into perspective, but also to help me to acknowledge my sin and to repent. These past two years have been a great struggle and a testing of my faith, but I hope that I may continue to persevere and be refined in the process.

3 exams down, 2 to go! The most difficult ones yet! I shall keep clinging to God for strength in my weakness and be reminded that no matter what, it’s who I am in Jesus that counts.

Cancelled Appointments

I’m walking a bit faster than I’d like to and my breathing is becoming quicker and more shallow with each breath.

I should have taken the bus to prevent this from happening but I had already resolved to walk since I woke up early and wore my runners.

I make it on time. With two minutes to spare. I say a quick prayer, take a deep breath (as deep as I could which was not very deep) and walk inside.

“Hi, I had an appointment at 9.30…”

“…sure, let’s have a look…”

…

“I’m sorry, but your appointment was cancelled…”

I let out a sigh of disappointment? Relief? I’m not really sure. The receptionist continues to apologise and I find myself reassuring her. She proceeds to do a bunch of things to try to help. But at that point, a part of me just wanted to give up. I tell her it’s okay and that she needn’t try anymore, but she insists, so I let her. So, I decide to keep the door open for a bit longer.

I leave the place somewhat relieved. I step outside and feel the cool breeze and warmth of the morning sun peaking through the maple trees and I breath it all in with thankfulness to God for His glory and magnificence revealed through His creation. I smile, because I know I’m loved.

Although it was tempting to think, “Man, well that was a complete was of my time which I could have spent studying”. I know that it wasn’t a waste at all. I know that everything happens for a purpose, and I was thankful that I stepped out of the house to get some fresh air, get a bit of light exercise, listen to a podcast on suffering, reflected and meditated on God’s word and even did a little grocery shopping to prepare lunch for my family. My heart and mind was filled with peace and I was reminded that God ultimately knows exactly what I need most, because I wouldn’t have done these things otherwise, and probably would have been at home grumbling and complaining about not being able to focus on studying.

As I am writing this, I am feeling a bit dizzy and light-headed probably from the lack of oxygen to my brain but I won’t let it bother me because I’m feeling inexpressible peace and joy. I pray that I’ll continue to find quality time to spend with my Heavenly Father, and to be thankful for every situation that I’m in, including this difficult time right now.

All praise and glory be to God!

Final exam period

I am currently in my last month(!) of my Master of Clinical Audiology.

*deep breaths*

Every time I think about it, it’s difficult not to allow my mind to spiral out of control.

I will have the first out of five final exams on the 13th of November. For the past 2 weeks, I have been studying every day for approximately 12-15 hours a day (except Sundays because I make time to go to church, and the remaining time leaves me about 5-8 hours to study). I sound diligent, huh? But wow, I really feel the life draining out of me day by day; not that it is anything new. Honestly, I feel like I need to study this much because I’m not very intelligent, nor do I have good memory in general. Although audiology isn’t about memorising things, there are naturally a lot of things you need to remember as the course is extremely content-heavy and there are many concepts I find difficult to understand and grasp.

Which leads me to my next internal dilemma: if I have terrible memory and poor understanding, how can I become a good audiologist? Especially as I am not an eloquent communicator and have a tendency to dissolve into puddle in the face of social situations. Yet, I desire to work in a profession where I can have an impact on someone’s life by helping them; specifically, to empower someone to take ownership of their hearing difficulties and take action to improving their hearing health and thereby, their general well-being. Truth be told, I really don’t know how I have gotten this far into my degree. I was pretty confident in my first semester, but that all went downhill after that. I no longer remember the foundation knowledge anymore; the bread and butter. I think my arrogance and my anxiety started getting in the way. I was humbled by a particular audiologist and consequently I lost all confidence in myself, to the point where I would find myself blanking out and my heart strongly palpitating whenever I was faced with anything related to what I was criticised about. Thankfully, with much prayer, I am slowly regaining confidence in that area, but the damage has been done and has affected other aspects of my life that I was aware existed, but became more and more evident as time passed. Mentally, I am an absolute wreck and I feel defeated. Heck, I have been feeling this way since I started this degree at the beginning of 2017.

I have burnt out more times than I can even remember over the past two years, and last month I hit a new level of rock bottom. But maybe I’ll save that story for another time.

For now, aside from intermittently being bombarded about thoughts of the future (mainly in regards to work and relationships), I have decided on these things:

1. I will do my best to complete my degree. And if I cannot, I will pray that I will have peace with that (because if I fail more than one subject or the same subject twice, I get kicked out of my degree)

2. I will continue to pray for peace in regards to whether I will be able to find work next year or not, and whether I will be able to stay in Sydney (ideally, I would like to stay in Sydney and work after taking a break for a few months). I know and trust that God knows what’s best for me, better than what I know what’s best for me.

3. I have resolved to rest properly and fix my physical body and mind because it is in absolute shambles. At this point in time, I do not think it is wise to start full-time work in the state I am in. I will burn out for sure very quickly.

4. I pray that I will continue to trust God no matter what happens; to trust in His sovereignty and to align my will with His will. Over the past week I have been reminded by various people and situations to view my struggles in light of eternity. When I’m reminded that everything I am currently going through (whether joy or suffering) is temporary and pales in comparison to the glory that is to come. As a result, my worries and anxieties don’t seem so significant anymore. My utmost priority is living for God.

Remember this: I am still here today and have gotten this far not by coincidence, but by God’s grace, providence, sustenance and kindness.

All glory be to God!